Re: Dear neighbors, ...
- From: "tension_on_the_wire" <tension_at_home@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: 4 Sep 2006 12:11:09 -0700
Plutonians@xxxxxxxx wrote:
Dear neighbors,
For a long time we have tolerated your ridicule. You have named
our home after the stupidest cartoon character any Earthling has
imagined. You are frequently throwing us with dangerous objects
you call "probes". You hide your plutonium in underground caves
as if it was some sort of waste.
And now, you refuse to acknowledge our premium membership in the
Planet Club Of The Solar system!
We have tried to reason with you in the past, but you will never
read the messages we emboss in your corn fields, much rarely act
accordingly. Those of us having different opinion about helping
you (then our furry ape friends) to exterminate the giant mammal
species that dominated the Earth a few orbits back were probably
right after all.
Nevertheless, we will no longer be tolerating any of this. From
now on, the Earth will be known as "The smelliest pellet of Ewok
dung within the galaxy, class LXXIX". We will also be seeking a
ruling by the General Council Of The Solar System about revoking
the current definition of AU (unit of distance), and to redefine
the same unit based on the orbit of some real planet instead.
Irrespectfully,
The Plutonians
Howdy Neighbours and a great big Hello to the Council as well!!
Just to let you know, you might want to get your Relativity Clock in
gear, so to speak, as we named Pluto the dog after *you*, not the other
way around. It's difficult, I know, for you to understand how such
small carbon-based units as ourselves could possibly have cultivated
the love and devotion of an entirely different species such that we can
name them after the great august celestial orbs and have them walk by
our sides through life, but there it is. I suppose that silicon-based
units such as yourselves can only aspire to pet rocks, and therefore
you might find it a bit difficult to understand.
As for those crop circles, I have to say that was the most brilliant
way you could have hid the truth of your existence, by sending messages
in a language nobody knew, by a means easy to fake by hoaxers
capitalizing on the opportunity. What about that Roswell
incident...was that you too? Thanks for leaving the planet to wonder
for fifty years whether it was a weather balloon. Obviously you know
English so why not send letters via snail mail from the get go? And
why do you choose *that* particular language to speak to us anyway? It
wasn't the English who invented the name Pluto, you know. By the way,
now that you have finally condescended to speak to us, after how many
millenia of spying on us (and we thought the wiretapping was
unsettling!) we would like to ask you a question that has been
bothering us ever since we noticed your planetoid rocketing through the
heavens, so damn intent on getting round the sun that it must be one
hellatious celebration when you can finally mark a year. How on
*earth*, forgive me, *pluto* do you calculate your ages since you can't
even mark day and night time given your relegation to the farthest
orbit (read tool shed) of this solar system? Also, what is up with
Charon? Couldn't you have settled your grievances by now (you've had
plenty of time) and merged to at least artificially meet the mass
criteria for membership in this solar system?
Come *on* Pluto, bang the rocks together guys!
------Cheers, Mother Gaia
P.S. You could have avoided the misnomer insult by telling us your
real name centuries ago!
P.P.S. Those giant mammal species you helped exterminate weren't
mammals, my dear pebble-based peoples, they were dinosaurs and
truthfully, you could have saved yourself the rock mass that you threw
and you would not be in the position you are today! We would have
evolved anyway.
.
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