The Jadoobies
- From: "Lawrence J. Howell" <admin@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: 28 Sep 2005 22:58:53 -0700
Hello all. Next week brings The 15th First (sic) Annual Ig Nobel Prize
Ceremony, care of those loony folks at Harvard University. As you know,
these awards recognize achievements that "cannot or should not be
reproduced." You may recall that last year's awards had a Japanese
flavor, the recipient of the Ig Nobel Peace Prize having been none
other than Daisuke Inoue, inventor of karaoke. Regrettably, Daisuke
neglected to patent his idea, costing him a cool billion dollars or so
in royalties. I wonder if he brushes it off as sho ga nai.
To come to the point, I believe it's time we do for Nihongo what the
Ig Nobels have done for dubious ideas, or the Razzies for the Oscars (a
dubious production in itself). Here follows a Modest Proposal
comprising half a dozen categories for what I'll provisionally dub
the "Jadoobies."
The "Ja" is short for "Japanese," while "doobies" hints at
"dubious." The name also resembles the expression "J'adoube,"
which is what chessplayers say when they want to adjust a piece without
committing themselves to making a move with it. (In a previous life, I
spent the kind of hours on chess that I now do on kanji. Some of us
never learn.) If you've got a better name, let's hear it.
Here we go.
The Ichiryo Prize, awarded to the individual who can correctly identify
the greatest number of obscure counters 99% of Japanese never use.
Those aiming to win next year's award should lose no time boning up
on the terms for earthen kilns, 16th century Portuguese arquebuses,
bamboo tea ceremony whisks and Ming Dynasty ivory combs with fewer than
12 teeth. The name has nothing to do with the stringy guy currently
plying his trade for the Seattle Mariners but derives, as you all know,
from the counter for the surplices worn by Buddhist priests.
The Van Lupus Prize (Most Heavily Publicized Treatise on Japanese
Society Written in a non-Japanese Language by a Long-term Resident
Dependent on Secondary Sources) The most objective among the prizes on
offer. Winner will be determined by a complicated formula involving
number of copies sold, number of reviews in daily newspapers and in
scholarly publications, and non-duplicating Google results for the book
during the previous calendar year. Points deducted for any "Friend of
Japan" awards subsequently bestowed by the Japanese government.
The Tarento Prize (Restricted to Token Gaijin Appearing on More than
100 TV Programs in a Single Calendar Year) In contrast to the coveted
Van Lupus, the Tarento is rather subjective, the winner being
determined by a calculus involving the total number of inane remarks
the tarento uttered mitigated by due consideration of the degree of
inherent inanity of the programs on which s/he was booked. Sure to have
the judges catfighting each year.
The Kanji Non-Achievement Prize (Long-term Resident Able to Recognize
the Fewest Kanji) Winner to be determined by multiplying number of
years resident in Japan times amount spent on kanji books and flash
cards, minus number of kanji s/he can recognize. To keep it all in good
fun, candidates must nominate themselves (and have receipts).
The Standardized Test Prize, awarded to that proficiency exam
containing the greatest number of usages most likely never ever to be
encountered in real life. This award is bound to generate a repeat
winner and be dropped after the second year, whereupon it will be
renamed The Disconnect Prize and awarded to the individual whose
research on a particular aspect of the Japanese language can be
demonstrated to have the least amount of application to Japanese as
used by native speakers.
The Pointless Katakana Prize, awarded to the individual responsible for
the year's worst example of a perfectly good Japanese term being
driven out in favor of a trendy borrowing that few natives can
comprehend.
Fifteen years ago, nobody had ever heard of the Iggies (as I believe
no one calls them), but look at them now: they crammed 1200 people in
for the prize ceremony last year. With all the fantastic raw material
the Japanese language supplies, think what we can achieve with the
Jadoobies if we put our minds to it. I'm semi-serious here: anyone
else out there who can use a good laugh?
.
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