Re: "Kouya Ruten" - Song Translation - Full Version


"B. Ito" <jg2cme@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
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"Phil Yff" <phil.yff@xxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
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On Thu, 7 Dec 2006 03:07:03 +0900, B. Ito wrote:


the title as "Wasteland Vicissitudes". You can listen to a promotional
video of the full length song at the below URL.

http://www.jvcmusic.co.jp/fj_yuuka/

Kouya Ruten (荒野流転) Wasteland Vicissitudes

月影凍る大地を
転がり踏み分けて行く
滅びと再生の時代が始まる

自由を重く掲げて

Across this earth the moonlight has frozen,
Stumbling, I proceed beating a path
As the age of ruin and rebirth begins.

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I started listening to the music looking at your English translations
at the same time, and the following is my impressions and
comments.

First, it was very difficult to proceed humming starting with
either "Across.........", "Across this ......" or "Across this earth......"

Instead, starting with "The moonlight has frozen ..........." is quite
easy finishing the line with such a shorter phrase like
"...........all this earth."

The "proceed" in the second line is a little longer. A little shorter
word, "charge", can it be an alternative?

The moonlight ha_s frozen_ a_ll this earth
Stum_bling, I charge bea_ting a path
A_s the_ age of ru__in and re_bir_th be_gins.

How do you think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B. Ito


Hoisting the weighty banner of freedom,

Tsukikage kooru daichi wo
Korogari humiwakete yuku
Horobi to saisei no jidai ga hajimaru

Jiyuu wo omoku kakagete
--------------------------------------------------------------------xxxx-----
Aren't these all wonderful?
I could read very smoothly all your translations comparing
with the Japanese lines.

You must have spent very much time interpreting all these
Japanese with tough phrases.

If I am forced to point out one line I'll pick up the 4th line.

Hoisting the weighty banner of freedom,

[...........]

I am open to suggestions. I had considered "Bearing the weighty banner
of
freedom" as a possible alternative. However, that ignores much of the
meaning and connotation of 掲げる. "Flying the weighty banner of
freedom" or
"Unfurling the weighty banner of freedom" are two other alternatives with
advantages and disadvantages over the alternative I chose. I could say,
"Holding up freedom as a weighty ideal," but that sounds clumsy and loses
the poetic sound of the Japanese.

Phil Yff
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How about;

"With a mental big banner of freedom,"
"With a backing of big banner of freedom,"
"Backed up by a great banner of freedom,"

I think "Hoisting ......" may sound immobile (stationary) and that
"Holding (up)......." sounds mobile like "Holding (up) something to
do some other thing."

----------------------------------
B. Ito

.

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