Re: Several pages of calendar need translation



On Jan 12, 9:44 am, "steve_962" <sbri...@xxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Ben, Paul, Cindy:

Thank you for the very insightful remarks. NOW I am seeing some truly
deductive reasoning being applied and yes, you are exposing some of my
ignorance in my marriage on my part, and yes, you are reading my wife
like an open book there as well - culturally in general and her in
specific. If I didn't know better, I'd say a couple of you actually
knew her because you have mentioned some of her complaints over the
years.

Look - I am not blameless here. I was a real ***/bonehead when we
first got married. My deal was too much time on the pc (back when the
'386 was a big thing).... and I ignored her. Is there such a thing as
newlywed shock? "I can't believe I'm actually married now" thought
syndrome? That was me. I think if you were to grade my behavior as a
husband being married to a foreign national in the U.S.... You would
give me a D-. No F only because you didn't want to be too judgmental.

But, I did turn around and I tried for the next 8 years trying to make
things better, but no matter what happened in our marriage and in our
life, everything was my fault and I became the whipping post. The car
broke down - Steve's fault.... she got bit by a dog - Steve's fault....
My mom spelled her name wrong on a Christmas card - Steve's fault.
Like I say, I was not blameless, but it became easier for her to cope
with any curve ball that life threw at her by simply blaming me and
being pissed at me. What a bummer.

Look, I know she cheated. Of that I have no doubts, ok? What I am
trying to figure out I guess is since we have started trying to put our
marriage back together (and have been working on it for over a year and
a half now)... is is she really being honest with me. It still hurts,
and there is still considerable mistrust on my part. So my approach is
- find out what is in the calendar, and compare that with what I know.
IF it matches up with as true for what she confessed to, then I know
she is trying too. IF she lied about what happened, the depth of her
feelings for him, etc., then I know that dishonesty is still going on
and I wont' be able to trust her and I or she should leave.

So, reading this, those of you who have followed this thread closely -
I have slightly mislead you. I laid this out as if I was trying to
find out IF she cheated. I have already confronted her a year and a
half ago. The pages that I put up on the calendar are only 4 pages. I
think I actually have about 10 more or so... I had 18 more in addition
to that but I gave those to her when I confronted her - I only
photo-copied them - it was the earlier calendar during the first half
of her affair. (LOL! The affair spanned several 2-year calendars).
Well, after 6 months or so of low healing on this issue, and mistrust
on my part (not like I thought she was still cheating on me - just not
beign honest with me about her feelings for me and the marriage - ex.
is she with me now just for the kids only, or does she really want to
try to make this relationship work with me? Many indicators point just
towards the kids aspect.)

So, I found the other, later calendar after about 6 months, and I
scanned that on in. 4 of those pages is what I posted.

In my opinion, both of you and your wife are very unhealthy. You guys
are so unhealthy that you can't think anything properly. Steve, what
you can't stand is the fact that your wife is choosing other guy over
you and you feel unimportant, can't you? Her honesty or dishonesty
doesn't matter. She changes her mentality any second. What is
important is for you guys to be healthy again. Then, talk about it.
How to make yourselves healthy -- usually, do not see each other for a
while. I can not guarantee it will succeed on you, though.

If you confront with her showing all the evidences of the calendars,
you won't get her back forever. You are her husband. What is a good
husband to her? Have you asked her what makes her happy? Just really
small things make a woman happy such as "Do you want me to take the
trash out?" , "I am going to the 7-11, do you want anything?"

I also have a feeling that your wife is not communicating effectively.
So, don't take anything in the face value when she says anything and do
not get upset. You are ill and so is she.

Take in a deep breath and relax.

.