Re: Hi..Is this correct english?

thanks for your advice.
I have question. I this this sentence is strange.
"TIM-1(machine name) does not requireany additional expense in
addition to the initial cost of equipment purchase. "
Can i revise it to " TIM-1(machine name) does not require any
additional expense besides the initial cost of equipment purchase"
this means " If you buy our machine, you don't need spend money any
more."





Dylan Sung wrote:
"sung" <gothailand@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1150426210.716922.274910@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi.
This is the beginging of my proposal . but I am not sure whether this
is correct or not. Frankly speaking one of my USA customer told me
" I don't understand perfectly"
I am working for a machine manufacturing company as a overseas sales
manager. But i cann't write or speaking the english very well. i am
under the
stress. If you revise it, i really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
Have a good weekend. and.. enjoy the 2006 world cup.

"In the recent times, the domestic parts manufacturing companies have
become exposed to risk due to the lowering of cost rate and the
enforcement of unit cost reduction administered by set companies both
at home and overseas to maintain profitability and competitiveness in
price reduction as well as to counteract the stagnation in the growth
of mobile phone market. Under the situation, the competition over price

and product quality in BLU industry will become further aggravated.
TIM-1 we have developed can sufficiently

"in BLU industry", "TIM-1"? I take it your customer understands all the
abbreviations you used. Otherwise "the BLU industry", "For TIM-1,...".


satisfy the core success factors required in BLU industry. It enables

It enables us ...

to drastically reduce the time required in delivering of sample
products to supplying companies for approval on new product models.
Also, Brightness can be increased by 10 ~ 15% in comparison to the
existing products. In the cost-related matters, TIM-1 does not require

almost any additional expense in

"almost" is superfluous, and can be taken out.

addition to the initial cost of equipment purchase. Therefore, TIM-1
is capable to aggressively respond to the demands of cost reduction

"is capable in aggressively responding to..."

made by set companies.


Your English is very good. It may be that the density of technical jargon,
though succinct in your field of expertise, is not being understood by the
customer. Translate everything you said above so that your grandma can
understand you, and your customer will as well - but don't patronise them.

Dyl.

.

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