OFF TOPIC (You've Been Warned!) Finally the End to the Religious Confusion

From: Don Kirkman (donkirk_at_covad.net)
Date: 11/17/04 

Date: Tue, 16 Nov 2004 17:01:42 -0800

Thanks to Stan Kegel, maven and icon of alt.humor.puns, for posting the
following. It should have been cross-posted to alt.med.cardiology so we
can move on to cardiology, but I'm reposting it here in hopes the group
is not totally terminal yet. "Faith Converter" is available for the
Mac; apparently not for Windows.

[Begin]
A new software product, "Faith Converter" is available for the Mac. It
is freeware. I am uncertain as to whether it available for Windows.

Here is what Version Tracker says about this program:

Product Description:

Found an admirable tome but it's in praise of the wrong god? Faith
Converter is a godsend for priests, vicars, rabbii and holy men of all
descriptions. Preach next Sunday's sermon from the Vedas, Noble
Eightfold Path, Torah or Das Kapital!

The premier theological plagiarism solution for OS X, Faith Converter
converts text between twenty-seven different religions, encompassing
Atheism, Biopsychosocialism, Buddhism, Christianity, Communism,
Confucianism, Druidism, Falun Gong, Hinduism, Islam, Juche, Judaism,
Keynesianism, Linux, MacEvangelism, Mahanism, Maoism, NIMBYism, Roman,
Scientology, Shinto, Sikh, Stalinism, Taoism, Thatcherism, Trotskyism
andVeganism. Converted text can be copied, saved or printed. (Version
Tracker)

Here is an example of what it can do:

Original: Christianity: "Attend church at Christmas or else God will
send you to Hell, with Satan, for not reading your Bible."

Results:

Judiasm: "Attend synagogue at Rosh Ha-Shanah or else God will send you
to Sheol, with Satan, for not studying your Torah."

Buddism: "Attend temple at Buddha's birthday or else Enlightenment
through dharma will send you to hell, with Mao, for not reading your
Noble Eightfold Path."

Islam: "Attend mosque at Ramadan or else Allah will send you to hell,
with Satan, for not reciting your Koran."

Hinduism: "Attend eternal shrine at Diwali or else Krishna will send you
to reincarnation as a dung beetle, with bad grace, for not reading your
Vedas."

Taoism: "Attend Taoist shrine at celebration of Dao or else Tao,
regulator of the natural processes and nourisher of balance in the
Universe will send you to hell, with Communist Party suppression of
traditional religion, for not reading your Tao-te-Ching."

Scientology: "Attend Sea Organization at Rehabilitation Project Force or
else Mothership will send you to Teegeeack, with Xenu, for not reading
your Hubbard's 'Basic Scientology Picturebook¹."

Communism: "Attend collective farm #897 at Leninmas or else Marx will
send you to the poverty-striken capitalist democracies, with parasitic
aristocrats, for not reading your Manifesto."

Confucianism: "Attend provincial revenue office at primary religious
holiday or else the ideal of Ren, the source of all virtue, will send
you to hell, with Chou, for not reading your Lun Yu.

Atheism: "Attend school at the voyage of HMS Beagle or else evolution
will send you to the deep, thick, South, with Wilberforce, for not
analysing your Origin of the Species."

Druidism: "Attend grove at Bealteinne or else Rhiannon will send you to
banishment, with Satan, for not orally transmitting your Myth cycle."

Roman: "Attend temple at lupercalia or else Jupiter will send you to
Avernus, with Lamia, for not reading your Sibylline Books."

Shinto: "Attend Kami-dana at Niinamesai or else Kami will send you to
Dark Land, with Matthew Calbraith Perry, for not affirming your Kojiki."

Sikh: "Attend gurdwara at Katik Pooranmashi or else Formless Creator
will send you to inferior reincarnation, with Mongol Emperor, for not
reading your Shri Guru Granth."

Falun Gong: "Attend Xulian site at Experience Transmission Conference or
else Phah will send you to Dharma Ending Period, with Hu Jintao, for not
cultivating your Zhuan Falun."

Veganism: "Attend bloodless kitchen at anti-mulesing/pro-flystrike
campaign or else Con the Fruiterer will send you to battery farm, with
McDonalds, for not adhering to your Cookbook."

Stalinism: "Attend factory committee at Great October Socialist
Revolution Day or else NVKD will send you to gulag, with Aleksandr
Solzhenitsyn, for not reading your Pravda."

Moaism: "Attend collective farm at Cultural Revolution or else Mao will
send you to ugly, ugly Taiwan, with Chiang Kai-Shek, for not reading
your Little Red Book."

Neo-Trotskyism: "Attend cockroach infested shareflat at the S11
anti-globalisation protest or else Naomi Klein and her successful ŒNo
Logo¹ brand will send you to fascist sexist racist heteronormative
imperialist reductionist America, land of oppression inflicted on the
proletariat by the greed of corporate tyranny, which is additionally
Contrary to the Principles of Internationalism, with soap, for not
reading your Green Left Weekly."

Thatcherism: "Attend minimal State at British Airways privatisation or
else Free markets and minds will send you to Welfare State, with The
Soviet Union, for not reading your The Economist."

Keynesianism: "Attend Bank of England at business cycle or else The
Money Supply will send you to unemployment, with Deflation, for not
reading your General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money."

Biopsychosocialism: "Attend balanced flexible response seminar at
lifestyle counselling or else NUM will send you to private practice,
with surgical gents, for not conferencing your Engel's 1977 Science
paper 'The Need for a New Medical Model: A Challenge for Biomedicine'."

Juche: "Attend Flying Dong 2 missile parade square at Kim Il-Sungmas or
else The Great Leader will send you to the puppet vassal, Seoul, with
President Roh, for not reading your Juche Idea."

Linex: "Attend command-line at new distribution release or else Linus
Torvalds will send you to Windows, with GUI, for not downloading your
man page."

MacEvangelism: "Attend Apple Store at MacWorld or else Steven Wozniak
will send you to DOS or linuxDOS, with John Sculley, for not reading
your inflated Price List."

Mahanism: "Attend shipping route at piercing of the Isthmus of Panama or
else Sea Power will send you to the dustbin of history, with decaying
European Powers, for not reading your Influence of Sea Power upon
History."

NIMBYism: "Attend protest against new public housing estates at the
local council meeting or else the Land and Environment Court will send
you to an inclusive community, with Government or Industry, for not
whining your local rag." 

-- 
Don
donkirk@covad.net
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