Re: confused.....
- From: J <Hiss-ss-ss@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 05 Jun 2005 21:17:42 -0400
Justin Scherle wrote:
> Thank-you for taking the time to explain in such detail your experience. I
> think it helped me to understand that what we have been experiencing is
> quite typical and not unusual or uncommon. I wish i could acquire a copy of
> "Crossing Over" but even the online excerpts did lend insight.
>
> I think more than anything i am just going to have to adjust to the very
> acceptance of the fact that my mom is inevitably dying. I have been having
> such a hard time sitting with her and looking at her knowing that it will
> not be long before i will never hear her voice again or feel her stroke my
> hair. It is extremely painful and heart wrenching and we find comfort only
> in being able to do anything we can do try to ensure she is comfortable. It
> seems like such a small gesture in comparison to the very many endless acts
> of love and comfort she has performed for each of us, in so many ways, over
> the years.
>
> I have alot of emotional healing to do and i dont think that i can do it on
> my own. I would like to get some counselling but dont know where to go for
> help. I love my mother more than anything and have issues, i suppose, with
> myself because i was not around her for the most part of my life. I wont
> bore u with the details. I know my mother and i still have a very strong
> bond and that she loves me. I just want to be able to understand maybe and
> heal. If u know or have any suggestions i welcome your imput as your last
> post was extremely comforting and brought some relief. (Please note - my
> name is Byllie - my email account is shared with my partner Justin and i
> never thought of it until my comment was posted). I am in BC, right now
> near Fort St.John but will be moving back to the lower mainland probably
> before September.
>
> Thanks again for your post - it was very helpful.
> Oh! Just an afterthought - my mom is still wanting to get up and go outside
> and is still able to sit up and stand if and when she so gets the urge (to
> the surprise of all of us). She does sleep the majority of the time but as
> u relayed in your experience she will still respond to us if we speak to
> her - even when she appears to be asleep. My sister has observed that she
> has protrusions now on her back and sides, which we are assuming are her
> liver and kidneys. I know that my mother is extremely strong and have
> justified these sudden whims (wanting to get out of bed and going outside in
> a wheel chair) as proof of that. I know that i am not to put faith in the
> idea that she is going to get better, but after sitting by her bedside for
> two weeks and seeing almost no movement and just sleeping, with the
> occasional request to be adjusted in her bed for comfort, it was encouraging
> and heart warming. I was wondering if it is possible that she may just be
> holding out for my brother to come and see her before she passes. Is that
> possible? Incidentally, her doctor is a little surprised that she is still
> here.
Hello Byllie,
I'm glad you came back to talk a bit.
It's hard to say if your mother is hanging in there waiting for your borther. My
mother knew I was coming but her body gave out before I arrived. They said the
same about Dad (surprised he hung in there so long), but his heart and other
organs were strong. He'd had cancer over 10 years before, but kept getting
infections and hospitalized with antibiotics. The last time, his body just
couldn't recover anymore. He was tired, his veins were collapsing, he'd had no
many IV's they couldn't find a vein anymore. If your mother's liver is heavily
involved, she may get jaundiced (yellow skin and whites of the eyes). Mike tells
us that's a peaceful way to die.
I do hope your brother arrives in time. If not, tell him your mother said she
loves him. It will make him feel better. My brother wasn't as able to cope with
being by the bedside; he also couldn't get away from his job responsibilities as
much as my sister and I could, so he was only there for brief times, until the
last few hours. Then he kind of fell apart, just after Dad died. My sister and
I spent quite a bit of time talking and comforting him. He's the youngest.
I'm pleased to read that your mother is still wanting to go outside, at times. I
suggest that to others, where possible as long as it won't make the loved one
have more pain or catch pneumonia. It's very warm down here in S. Ontario. I
don't know what it's like where you are. I changed airplanes once in Fort St.
John on my way to Dawson Creek, so assume the weather there is similar and it
was quite nice, as I recall, in Dawson Creek about this time of year.
I forgot to tell you to please her with anything she wants to eat or drink.
Sometimes if they're not hungry, even their favourite popsicle (or make her some
from her favourite koolade flavour in an icetray). As long as the doctor or
nurses don't object.
I'm a parent too. I can assure you that no matter what happens, most parents
continue to love their kids. We may not always like them or what they do or say,
but the love's always there. Absent or not. In fact, Dad and I were closer the
last few years before he died (we wrote a lot, because he was kind of deaf, so
telephoning wasn't helpful) and I felt guilt and loss for not being out there
with them. So there are lots of emotions to work through.
If you're looking for local grief support, take a look at the first 4 or 5 here
http://tinyurl.com/9twpp
for the lower mainland.
If you find yourself getting depressed and having trouble coping with life, work
or school, you may want to talk to your doctor about a low-dose antidepressant
for a while. Also there's another group, called Recovery, Inc. that you might
find helpful along the road of life.
http://www.recovery-inc.com/meetings/canada.html
Online resources: http://www.griefnet.org/ but I think there's a nominal fee to
join a mailing list.
There's alt.support.grief (newsgroup). Some like it; there's sometimes upsets
there.
I wasn't sure that you would be back so I didn't suggest this..
If you'd like to join us on alt.support.cancer, there's some very caring people
there who will understand.
Sometimes we have troublemakers on that newsgroup too, so I'll leave it up to
you. We ignore (or filter out) the troublemakers and/or weirdos.
These days, this newsgroup seems a little quieter.
It's hard losing our Moms and Dads. I kept one of Mom's favourite sweaters. Just
so I could keep her scent with me and hug it on days when I felt like having a
good cry. Something you might want to consider.
Please know that you're doing all the right things.
I'll be here for you, on either newsgroup. Post anytime.
My thoughts go with you, your mother, and your brother.
Warm hugs
J
.
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- From: Justin Scherle
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