Re: seeking information


<jmorngstar@xxxxxxx> wrote in message
news:1159719409.013678.105540@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sandi wrote:
My mother is
heartbroken even years later, and so am I, and I don't believe there is
any
excuse for what my brother did. She is his mother. End of story.


Well you answered part of my question here. Sandi I am your brother
and you have no idea the pain this decision has caused me. If your
mother is truly heartbroken, then she should seek professional help to
see what SHE can do to fix this situation. I did go into therapy with
my father at age 50 and it was the best thing that I did for my family.

Well, perhaps he should have gone into therapy instead of throwing a
childish fit on Christmas day and throwing his presents back in her face for
no reason, then. The bottom line is that he only became "damaged" after he
married a childish, selfish girl who wanted nothing to do with us. All of a
sudden, Mom was a horrible mother throughout his childhood, and still a
horrible mother, and he suddenly remembered every ugly thing she ever said
or every soccer game she missed BECAUSE SHE WAS WORKING TO FEED HIS
UNGRATEFUL ***. That's my point. My mother wasn't perfect. I'm sure no
mother is. But short of actual physical abuse or emotional torture (not
emotional baggage, but true torture, which is rare), she doesn't deserve to
run into him in the grocery store and have him look right through her as if
she doesn't exist. And certainly, I don't.


Part of the reason that this continues to exist to be a problem in your
family, is because you refuse to validate the fact that your brother
was damaged. He may not be damaged in your eyes, but by your refusing
to allow him to be damaged in his eye, this will never be resolved.

I haven't had a chance to refuse him anything. He dumped me at the same
time he dumped her. And trust me, I haven't done a thing to him. In fact,
I put up with his spoiled ass for 30+ years, carted him around everywhere I
went when he was little, and never criticized him even when he really
deserved it. In return, what he did was criticize every mistake I ever
made, what I looked like, who I dated/married, etc. In short, he acted in
all of the ways he accuses her of acting, and then some. He isn't damaged,
he is spoiled absolutely rotten. Although, wait, maybe being spoiled is
being damaged.

With the trickle down effect of what happens to children raised in
these type of toxic homes clogging up our court system, I am surprised
that you more than most would hold these thoughts.

I don't think having a mother who says unkind things from time to time is
enough excuse to act in that way. This is how I feel about it. We're all
dealt a bad hand in one way or another. But there comes a time when we have
to take responsibility for ourselves, and not continue to blame our parents.
Again, there are exceptions. But they are very very severe cases, not the
general type of nastiness we seem to be discussing here. If my mother had
tied us to chairs, beaten us with broomsticks, or farmed us out to
pedophiles, that would be different. She didn't. Therefore, her imperfect
personality is not enough to justify the treatment she is now receiving.
People don't clog up the court systems because their parents are distant, or
even make cruel remarks now and again.

You may not be a family that believes in therapy, and we actually saw
the blood drain from my dad and thought we may have to call 911 when I
asked him, but it is the only way that these problems can be resolved.

I don't have a problem with therapy, but you are right, my family would
never so much as consider it. Besides, why should they? They don't have a
problem; everyone else does.

Janice



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