Re: seeking information

Sandi wrote:
"My mother divorced my father only months after he was born, and she
had a really hard time for a lot of years. As a result, she wasn't
the most pleasant person to be around, but she wasn't the raging
harridan he now apparently has
convinced himself that she was, either. Also, my mother has a very
outspoken personality, on subjects that are her business and subjects
that are not, and that is just the way she is. I don't think that
having an imperfect personality is grounds for what he has done, and I
would hate to think that after I sacrificed so much in my life to
raise my son alone for
years, which I did as well, that my son would now decide to throw up in
my face some unkind comment I made or some school activity I missed,
and cite that as his reason for having nothing to do with me. My
mother is heartbroken even years later, and so am I, and I don't
believe there is any excuse for what my brother did. She is his
mother. End of story."

My mom divorced my dad too when I was very young, like 3 or 4. I don't
think any of us blamed her for doing what she had to do or even for the
fact that after she remarried and divorced the second time, she was
often an intolerable person and acted like we didn't exist. I will
give her some credit for putting a roof over my head, clothes on my
back, and food in my mouth, but most of my raising I did on my own.
Her idea about telling me the facts of life was to give me a booklet
about menstruation. I guess she did something. I won't even fault her
terribly for not knowing or caring where I was most of the time or even
for several days consecutively. I guess what really chaps me is that
to this day, she never has said, "I did the best I could which probably
wasn't all that great; I wish I had done things differently." I don't
even have to hear "I'm sorry." I, too, raised my 2 oldest children for
the better part of 6 years between my first and second marriage,
probably wasn't the easiest to be around at times, but I made sure to
tell my kids that I was sorry for the things I did wrong, and that they
deserved better. Your mom doesn't sound like the kind who refuses to
admit any wrongdoing or say, "You guys were just rotten kids." Even
now, I know I can be difficult and flawed, but will still be the one to
take the greater share of the blame when the dust settles. I love them
and I want them to know that they are magnificent just the way they
are. I guess what it comes down to is that one person can't take on
all the responsibility for establishing and maintaining reconciliation
all of the time. It really is a two-way street. There's nothing
sweeter than hearing from your 4-year-old (or 17-year-old for that
matter) after telling them you're sorry, "Mommy, I'm sorry too."

I, too, hope he doesn't have to sell his house. After my grandmother
died, my grandfather decided to sell the house and go live with his
oldest son. My brother bought it and it has a lot of sentimental
value, especially since grandpa passed away a couple of years ago.
They lived in that house for 30+ years. The ironic thing is that my
mom was listed as one of the beneficiaries of the sale of the house,
made out like a bandit, and now basically gets to have her cake (the
house) and eat it too (no bills). She blew that money a long time ago
and my brother never made a stink.

.

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