WINNERS! Usenet Kook Awards, October 2004

From: Friendly Neighbourhood Vote Wrangler (gadfly_at_NOSPAMmeow.org)
Date: 11/08/04 

Date: Mon, 8 Nov 2004 12:17:13 +0000

The time has come to announce the winners of the October 2004 Usenet
Kook Awards.

*ahem*

KOOK OF THE MONTH

The winner is... GEORGE HAMMOND!

        George Hammond . . . 15
        Linda Gore . . . . . 14
        John Lucas . . . . . 11
        none of the above . . 2

Congratulations, Spammond! At last we have Scientific Proof of
Delusional Garbage. By the way, all the VIPs who emailed me about the
election wanted you to win, too.

CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH

The winner is... RAZZOR3K!

        Razzor3k . . . . . . . . 14
        Jon Barry, alias Maak . . 12
        none of the above . . . . 8

Well done, Blunt Razzor! Keep the flag of ignorance flying (preferably
the right way up at least some of the time).

COWARD OF THE MONTH

The winner is... CHUCK LYSAGHT!

        Chuck Lysaght . . . . . . . . . . 17
        Raymond Karczewski . . . . . . . . 10
        Lady Motown . . . . . . . . . . . 7
        Albert Silverman . . . . . . . . . 4
        The Sniggler, alias Trollzilla . . 3
        none of the above . . . . . . . . 3

Great work, chucknozzle! Such a convincing defeat of so many of
Usenet's most cowardly kooks ought to make the Death Tour '04 a
sell-out. Have you got the teeshirts printed yet?

BUSTED URINAL AWARD

The winner is... LOVER OF SB16'S FM SYNTH!

        Yes . . 32
        No . . 3

Can you hear the wild applause with your crappy old soundcard,
Loverboi? Recent research shows that you're also the wannabe troll
known as "Masculism_Virism", but you won this convincingly with only
one of your smelly socks. Well done!

GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY

The winner is... STRIDER!

        Yes . . 31
        No . . 3

Well done, Araspawn son of Araporn! I'm sure this demonstrates
conclusively that you won every argument you were proved wrong in.

GOLDEN KILLFILE

The winner is... JOHNNY WIZARD, alias KING OF EARTH!

        Yes . . 27
        No . . 3

Congratulations, Johnny! Please try not to overload everybody's
servers with your tedious 100,000-line acceptance speech.

GOOFY AZZED BABBOON

The winner is... PROFESSEUR VON TWOSTEPS!

        Professeur von TwoSteps . . . . . 15
        The Sniggler, alias Trollzilla . . 13
        Kenneth R Pangborn . . . . . . . . 8
        none of the above . . . . . . . . 4

*Most* im*press*ive, *Professor*! I *don't* think *I've* ever *seen*
so *many* aster*isks* abused *to* so li*tt*le *pur*pos*e*.

JOSEPH BARTLO "PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE" AWARD

The winner is... CHUCK LYSAGHT!

        Yes . . 43
        No . . 0

Congratulations, Kookles! As the first kook to win this particularly
undesirable award in two successive months, do you attribute your
success to your pathetic, impotent threats, your weird anal obsession,
or the fact that you look like a tortoise wearing a pineapple mask?

PALMJOB PADDLE

The winner is... LYNNE LYONS alias HOOFPRINTS!

        Lynne Lyons, alias Hoofprints . . 26
        Pietro Sommavilla . . . . . . . . 15
        none of the above . . . . . . . . 1

Well done, Goofprints! I hope the stinging pain in your well-spanked
bottom doesn't make it impossible for you to "ride" your horsies
"bareback". (On second thoughts, no; I hope it does.)

TAR & FEATHERS

The winner is... RUSSELL B WATERS!

        Yes . . 42
        No . . 0

Congratulations, Rusty! When you engage in criminal activity just
because another kook asks you to, no further proof of utter,
irreversible cluelessness is needed.

UNABOMBER SURPRISE

The winner is... LYNNE LYONS, alias HOOFPRINTS!

        Yes . . 36
        No . . 4

Well done again, Goofy! A couple of your recent posts scored a perfect
10 on the Screedometer, a truly rare achievement.

OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL

The appointee is... JOSEPH BARTLO!

        Joseph Bartlo . . . 25
        Russell B Waters . . 19

Congratulations, Foamy! Although you spent most of October hiding in
Mommy's basement from the psests and liards, a small amount of whining
of the highest quality won over mere quantity.

SAEED AL-SAHHAF MEMORIAL OFFICE OF KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER

The appointee is... ALEXA CAMERON!

        Alexa Cameron . . . . 26
        Raymond Karczewski . . 18

Congratulations, Alexa! Even the Agents of Satanic Ignorance couldn't
stop George Bush's alien sockpuppets keeping you in office.

KOOK KARD DECK SEVEN OF DIAMONDS

The winner is... LYNNE LYONS, AKA HOOFPRINTS!

        Yes . . 39
        No . . 2

Congratulations a third time, Goofnozzle! Do you have a nice
equestrian picture available for the graphics on your Kard? Preferably
one that doesn't depict illegal acts.

KOOK KARD DECK SEVEN OF CLUBS

The winner is... RUSSELL B WATERS!

        Yes . . 41
        No . . 0

Well done, PizzaKKKook! Your parents must be very proud of your
achievements with their computer.

This concludes the results of the only really important election held
in early November this year. An exit poll conducted by Cameron & Bohne
Inc. which predicted a landslide KotM win for Queen Elizabeth II
proved flawed, since the only voters they consulted were the voices in
their heads. Also, attempted intimidation of voters in Florida came to
nothing, since Chuck Lysaght was the hired intimidator and everybody
just pointed and laughed. 47 ballot papers were received, all of which
were deemed valid despite feeble efforts by the restless spirit of a
net.dead kook to convince people otherwise.

Until December 1st, au revoir! 

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